Conflict is meant to strengthen relationships

​Conflict is Meant to Strengthen Relationships
For many of us conflict has an extremely negative connotation based on our experiences and expectations.  The truth is that conflict will happen. It is inevitable when we are in a relationship with people who are different than us. The question is, "How will you respond when these situations arise?"  Conflict, when handled in a healthy way becomes a tool that strengthens relationships.  A few causes of conflict are a misunderstanding, a problem, strong emotions, difference of opinion, difference in expectations or priorities, feeling confusion about something or addressing an issue that is uncomfortable.  Before resolving the conflict, plan ahead how you will respond, rather than reacting in moments of conflict.  {This is easier to write than live out :)}.

Here are 10 heart checks before resolving conflicts:
1) Check your motivation~ Will your words help or hurt? Will this bring healing and oneness or isolation?    
2) Check your attitude~ Don't run your spouse over with your words or your tone.  90% of communication is body language.  What is your body language communicating?   
3) Check the timing.  Is the time right to have the conversation about the conflict?  Never have these conversations in public, in front of your children, when you are tired or out of energy. And do not engage in these conversations when you are still fuming over the circumstance or issue.  You don't want your emotions to run away from you.  
4) Check on other pressures. Are there other things going on in your life or your spouse's life that may be contributing to the conflict?  
5) Check your code book. Many misunderstandings come from thinking we know the other person's motives. The only way to find out why people do what they do is by asking them.  We all have a “secret code book” of communication. Each person is uniquely wired and has their own code. We all see things differently. Keep this in mind with all your difficult conversations.  
6) Listen~ If you take time to listen to the way your spouse feels & thinks, instead of trying to change it, you can learn to build deeper connection. After you listen, then you can share your perspective in an honoring way. Stephen Covey said, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood".  As you listen, ask questions to get clarification. The goal in all communication is connection.
7) Stick to one issue at a time~ Don't bring up several things/complaints against your spouse. Take one issue at a time.  It is not fair to throw a year's worth of complaints at your spouse and communicate effectively.  To your spouse, it will feel like an assault and he will go on the defense to protect himself.
8) Focus on the problem~ Remember, you and your spouse are on the same team facing your problem. Don't put the problem between the two of you. Tackle it together.
9) Focus on the facts~ Don't judge motives. Don't blame or shame. What are the facts of the issue?  Take the emotions out of it as much as you are able.
10) Use "I" messages~ These messages require that you are vulnerable and are self-aware, you have taken the time to sort out what is going on inside of you. These help build connection because it allows your spouse, the listener, to understand what is going on in your heart.  Say, "I feel _____ when you _____. I need to feel __________."